Every night as I'm rocking Isaac before putting him to bed, I think of all the things we did that day. I worry about whether I let him watch too much tv, fed him enough vegetables, read enough books or played on the floor with him long enough. Each night, good day or bad, I question how well I have done, prepare a list in my head of how I can be better, and promise my son that tomorrow, I will get things more right than I did today. I know I'll never be a perfect mom but I so badly want to be a very very very good one. Sadly, dishes, laundry, cooking and sometimes a book get in my way (it's more likely I put them there...).
Tonight as I rocked Isaac, I didn't even have to think back on the day to know it was bad. I was sick and running on a lack of sleep and my patience was pretty much at a level zero. Isaac woke up in the middle of my quiet time and I really wanted to finish... Like, I knew I was going to need prayer to make it through this day. But i didn't get to finish. Isaac wasn't bad today, he was just fussier than my headache would have liked him to be. So we watched Tangled... Twice today. He had a muffin for breakfast with a side of muffin. For lunch we ate leftover dinner and I didn't even try to force feed him his green beans. He napped and I tried to nap but couldn't due to my pounding head. Instead of cleaning, I laid on the couch. He did eat veggies at dinner :). All these things add up to me feeling like a failure (I know I'm not... Completely... But I felt like it).
After some time in prayer and quiet time that I missed out on this morning, I feel a little wiser. I guess God will do that to you.
I pray that one day when Isaac wakes up in the middle of my quiet time, I'll be thankful that he sees me spending time with my father and will learn to do the same. I hope that tomorrow, if I'm still sick, I'll enjoy the cuddle time watching Tangled and not worry over one movie and whether it will ruin my kid for life. I pray that tomorrow I will be productive in my work and won't be idle. But I also pray that God will give me the rest I need to feel better. I pray I will sit on the floor and play and giggle with my son, not because I'm worried I'm not doing it enough but because I simply enjoy his company. I pray he will know the love of the Father and how he wants that time as well. I pray I can learn from my mistakes and press on toward the future. I pray God will show me where I fail as a parent and give me the grace I need to be a mother after my Father's heart. I pray that tomorrow I will do better than I did today.
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